- ClinicallyClueless California, United States
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ClinicallyClueless's Groups
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Wounded Soldier Ministries
3 members
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Gone to the Dogs ... and Cats
9 members
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I am effected by mental illness
14 members
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Avant-garde
20 members
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Lighter Moments
55 members
ClinicallyClueless's discussions
Is Salvation merely a matter of Heaven and Hell?
2 Replies
Started this discussion. Last reply by Maren Sep 28.
Clinically Clueless
Profile Information
- Are you a Christian?
- Yes
- Location
- California
- About Me:
- Until I became ill, I had worked in the mental health field more than 20 years and in psychotherapy for 20 years, including a 5 year break, with the same Christian therapist. I was aware of the process of therapy, applying it to myself in my own therapy, at times, I could be clueless; hence, the name.
I have the diagnosis of major depression and posttraumatic stress disorder and issues with self-harm, suicide and an eating disorder. I've had two psychiatric hospitalizations. My healing journey led me to blogging where I could anonymously tell of my life of abuse and trauma with the hope to increase awareness and compassion for those of us with mental illness. Most of my mental health issues are due to memories that were repressed for more than 35 years, which included neglect, physical, emotional and sadistic sexual abuse.
From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4. At about 5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 5- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna and being tied or held down. Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included crawling things, objects, erotic strangulation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All of this occurred while being tied down for hours and with no clothing.
At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship used to constantly warn me to “watch what I do and say because he could kill me.” My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now.
I've been a Christian since 1981, which has saved my life. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me. In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). God must have a huge bottle and book. I thank God for bringing me to this place in my healing. To my surprise God blessed me with a wonderful marriage and an unimaginable husband. I feel like he is my reward for the healing that I work so hard for.
(I already have a blog and do not want to start another one. So, here I might just enter some excerpts from ClinicallyClueless blog. This is the blog's description: Life of abuse and trauma told through past journaling, current commentary, and posts on specific issues faced such as major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, self-injury and suicide with hope to increase awareness and compassion for those with mental illness.)
- My Website:
- http://ClinicallyClueless.blogspot.com
"Mourning into Dancing" ~ Let Me Worship In Song!!
After struggling in my healing via the church ministries and psychotherapy, one day this song began and I braced myself for painful tears, but instead of painful tears I cried tears of joy. What I felt like God had put into my heart was that He had already done that in some areas (turned my mourning into dancing) even if I didn't feel it and it was His promise to me that I would feel the joy the song speaks about.
Well, after many years, the song became a joyous one that I would sing as an expression of thankfulness for God's faithfulness to me or claiming its promise. Now, during this major depressive episode, I haven't been able to listen to music which I used to do all the time. But, I was introduced to YouTube, as you can tell from my last two entries, and found this among the treasures. It made me cry and long for a day when I would no longer hurt this badly.
However, it is also a reminder that I will one day sing this song again at my church with thankfulness. It gave me hope. See, I also have not been able to attend church due to my symptoms. I long to go back, but know I am not ready and that God knows. But, previously I'd gone faithfully for more than 23 years and not at all for the past five. (No counting, I'm not hiding my age!!!) I hope that you read the words and/or listen to the words and this song encourages you too. (Sung by the Christian Gospel Temple from where I don't know I couldn't find any other credits.)
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ClinicallyClueless's Photos
ClinicallyClueless's Videos
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ClinicallyClueless's Blog
Retalitation Slideshow ~ Healing from Abuse
Now, be warned that this is a very disturbing slideshow, but a necessary part of healing from abuse and eventually forgiveness. Every victim of abuse has rage and retalitory fantasies. Some people do not every get to the point of ackowledging that they are there let alone dealing with it. It is a necessary part to be able to express what my homicidal fantasies were and to be able to talk about them. If they stay in the dark they continue to harm me and keeps me stuck in therapy. This stage is on… Continue
Posted on October 7th, 2008 at 12:35pm —
I've been tagged to state six random things about me.
I was tagged by rcwriter and I'm not sure how to do this, but here goes. Here's the rules for those I'm tagging. Check the list after my 6 THINGS to see if you're it then: 1. Link to the person who tagged you. 2. Post the rules on your blog. 3. Write six random things about yourself. 4. Tag sixish people at the end of your post. 5. Let each person know he or she has been tagged. 6. Let the tagger know when y… Continue
Posted on September 29th, 2008 at 4:30pm — 3 Comments
Those born between 1930 to 1979 ~ Thank God because we are lucky to be alive!!!!
Those Born 1930-1979 READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE---VERY WELL STATED TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930s, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based… Continue
Posted on September 16th, 2008 at 3:34pm — 4 Comments
September 11, 2001 ~ What was your experience
I can’t believe it’s been 7 years since that day. I know everyone has a different story for that day. I was personally effected by it so here’s mine. Please share yours as well. I live in Los Angeles, California basin area and the television would wake me up at 5:30 am, but I usually would stay in bed sleeping until 6:30-7:00 am…not a morning person. But, I kept hearing about a plane hitting one of the twin towers and thought if was some fluke accident, but they kept talking about it, so I open… Continue
Posted on September 11th, 2008 at 7:30am — 23 Comments
Revised Director's Cut Slideshow (Please consider watching again)
I know it has been a short time since I posted my slideshow of my childhood, but I was limited by the program I was using and had to edit out 150 images, so it ended up being nothing what I really wanted it to look like. I'm now using a different program and this is more of what I wanted to convey. It tells a more complete story including my becoming a Christian. It only really covers up until I was 21 and started therapy. It also has the ability to pause to read or see the image better, go back… Continue
Posted on September 3rd, 2008 at 9:09am —
© 2008 Created by Scott Lindsay
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You think you're clueless, and I even forget when I did stuff.
Now that IS silly
Welcome to Godlinked. We hope your days are blessed!Check out our site www.atfish1.com for great Christian stuff and lots of free giveaways!
hugs,
Naye
More recently, I named one of the best dogs I ever had after that name.
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